Stalking Shadows by Cyla Panin

So, I was contacted by the wonderful Ellen Whitfield at Books Forward about reading and reviewing a book called Stalking Shadows that, based on my undying love of A Curse so Dark and Lonely I might be interested in reviewing prior to publication. Long story short I was given a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review prior to publication to basically build up the hype around this awesome book. The book is published on the 14^th so I’m not amazing at hyping up the book prior to release (clearly, unless it’s an academic or business-ey type deadline I suck at time management and deadlines)

First off, I do have to explain that staying awake for the whole day has been somewhat of a challenge this year and last. Nothing to do with how interested I am in the actual book I’m reading. “But Rhona” I hear you cry ” didn’t you manage to read more than 120 books by the end of June?” And yes, I did but for the most part I chose books I was able to finish in a day also absurdly I have also been suffering from some wicked insomnia so this year and last, I would routinely wake at around 2 or 3am and not be able to get back to sleep or still be awake at 11pm but just be wide awake, hence finding and reading books I could finish quickly and easily.

Not that I just read “trash” a couple of my absolute favourite series finished this year and reading those books killed me. Just so much ugly crying.

You may, or may not also be aware that one of the reasons for my sleepiness and reading everything is that since late last year I’ve been stuck in a wheelchair but for the most part I’ve been bedbound with SI Joint Dysfunction on my left side (which, surprise surprise isn’t actually connected to any of my other fun medical issues!)  I was supposed to get a steroid injection for it last year but of course with all the insanity and fun times the pandemic has caused, I haven’t been able to get it. At first it was just really bad pain, and sitting or standing for long periods hurt but then in early November I stood up in the living room to go to bed and couldn’t actually walk so wheelchair fun times!

Anyway, the zombie drugs I was prescribed before my hospital adventure in 2019 can take the edge off some of the referred pain and stop spasming (which is just a whole boat load of fun) but can’t do anything for the actual SI pain. It’s just kind of a waiting game to see when I can finally get the injection but until then it’s lots of sleep and lots of reading (as that is kind of all I can physically do right now)

Anyway, after that lengthy and probably unnecessary explanation let’s get down to the actual point of this blog post!

Let’s start with the stars: a lot! Many, many more than the 5 allowed by Goodreads.

Obviously since the book is only published on the 14^th we’re dealing with many, many spoilers too! Only read ahead at your own risk!!!!

(Can we also talk about how freaking awesome this cover is?)

The official blurb I was given is:

In a small 18th century provincial French town, Marie concocts perfumes to sell — but she’s also brewing them to mark her sister’s victims. Because Ama changes into a beast every month and needs to kill to eat. But when a child is killed for the first time, Marie worries she’s lost control of her sister. When Marie sets out to discover the source of Ama’s curse, she also uncovers dark secrets.

Maybe it’s ‘cause it’s set in a provincial town in France or because Ellen sent in to me because of my interest in A Curse but I was totally getting Beauty and the Beast vibes while reading it.

I’ve been keeping notes on my phone during reading for the purposes of future reviews so often, my reviews end up just being random Tweet length comments I have during the reading such as my thoughts on this quote:

“He better be, Marie. He better be.”

Well, that is a creepy ass threat. In other news, I love the name Sebastian, but holy hell is he creepy right now.

The book was actually a lot creepier than I expected but I actually really loved this element. I don’t often choose to read thrillers, partly because I tend to read late at night and clearly, I am still a child since I get scared by these books then can’t sleep because of the possible creepy monsters in the dark.

But oh holy drama! Every time I think I have a handle on what’s going on, and maybe start thinking I know what plots are afoot the plot thickens again and something new and shocking happens!! Ahhh so tense! Yet, another example of tweeting as I read but yea, this book was tense as all hell. But I loved it.

Marie has all this familial guilt, about Ama; about her father; about how she just isn’t doing enough for her family. She feels guilty about taking simple pleasures for herself, even if it is just playing a child’s game with Lucien. It makes me wonder – as I often do when reading tales of siblings like this – how much guilt does Ama hold? Of course, she must feel guilty about killing as the monster (at least, I hope so) but does she feel the same level of familial guilt as Marie? Does this guilt stop her from taking pleasure in things just for her, regardless of how small?

Also, it’s kinda clear how guilty Sebastian feels over his parents’ death and Lucian’s health. So much guilt, so much tension. Yea, I mean we find out by the end that Marie can also transform into a monster “protector” but the guilt is still there for her. Is it for Ama?

The fangirl in me is so extremely happy that by the end Marie and Sebastian are more or less together because I was internally screaming that they needed to be together throughout most of the book – maybe their shared guilt is something that brings them together?)

Oh, look at that! I’m crying again. I mean, c’mon people it’s me. Did we really expect anything less? I was crying at the last book review I wrote so there’s that. At least this time part of the sobbing is when Sebastian’s mother finally died. Parental deaths are just a thing for me, ok? I mean, it’s a fairly universal theme that people cry about so I don’t know why I’m acting special. Anyway, I’m going off on a tangent. Back to the review!

Also, the idea of Ama changing once a month felt like an allegory for menstruation. Was this intentional by Panin? Yes, by the end Marie can control her transformations and is teaching Ama (who, by the way is annoying as all hell by the end) but then menstruation can be and is controlled by various methods of birth control so it’s still a very plausible theory. (I like pointless and tiny conspiracy theories like this – is this even classed as a conspiracy theory?)

This book was entirely different that what I expected in such a good way! I’m still on the fence regarding creepy thrillers (the fictional mass murderer is definitely hiding in the dark in my room) but I’m definitely interested in reading more by Panin if I get the chance! It turns out that I really like the whole Beauty and the Beast retellings; I also adore complex sibling relationships in books! It’s completely normal that even though I now have a kindle copy of this book that I want a paper copy too, right?

I’m gonna start rambling soon! Point is, this was a very cool, very creepy book that kept me guessing right to the end!

See you in the future! ♥

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer

Let’s go with 5000 stars, shall we? Even though Goodreads only lets me have 5!

Obviously, spoilers are ahead!

Ok, so how do I write a review for the finale of a series that has come to mean so much to me? Filled with characters I’ve needed since I was a teenager?

By doing a reread of the book first of course!

Ok, it turns out that doing a reread didn’t help in the slightest in me figuring out how to talk about this book.

Thing is, I didn’t really ever want this series to end. This is the first book or series that I’ve ever really seen myself in one of the characters. I said in my review of A Curse that I needed that book and this series when I was 14 or 15 but the truth is, I needed this book now too. I know I joke so much about crying at pretty much any book but the truth is, I’ve never cried while writing a review like I’m doing now. I needed Harper (and Rhen and Grey) when I was a lost teenager still struggling with being different, still trying to figure out who I was but really, 17 years later at age 32 not much has changed. I still feel lost at times but Harper and these books remind me who I am, who I can choose to be, every day. But before I descend into ugly sobbing and ruin my laptop with too much salt water let’s talk about the actual book.

I really liked that it was divided between Harper & Rhen and Grey & Lia Mara. I mean, I get why A Heart focused on Grey but I missed Harper and Rhen! But this was good as it meant we didn’t have to guess how each brother was coping with the ultimatum of war (Also I got my Harper and Rhen goodness, which makes me a happy little fangirl)

I liked Jake so much better in this book, maybe because he was away from Harper – I mean when she ended up in Syhl Shallow he still seemed to underestimate her (maybe I just have a thing about people underestimating the person with CP – projecting a bit much there, maybe?) But he supported and cared for Grey so much, he’s so goddamn loyal like his sister and I loved him for it.

How do I talk about Rhen? Everything that happens to him kills me. From having to decide whether to fight Grey to thinking Harper is dead hurts my heart so much. How he falls at Grey feet because without Harper he has nothing left, killed me. I just want to give him so many hugs.

As expected, I loved Harper, her tenacity when it came to learning to sword fight despite her physical weaknesses; her strength and determination to search for Grey; to search for the Grey who stayed with Rhen through all those seasons of the curse; to find her friend, the Grey who left her in DC with his braces and knives, the only thing he had to give; and the Grey who ran and hid to protect Rhen after trying to kill Lilith in DC, the one who loved his brother despite everything.

I actually really, really like Lia Mara, she’s so stubborn and determined even with everyone around her fighting against her, despite the 60-day ultimatum, she still forges ahead with her fight for peace, and it works! Sometimes stubborn determination wins out and that made me so happy to read. (Also my reread allowed me to pick up on the times she was throwing up as morning sickness since I knew by then that she was pregnant – baby Grey!!!)

Tycho and Iisak were a brilliant caring pair and it was awesome to read more of Tycho’s back story. My heart stopped when Rhen threw himself between Tycho and Lilith’s dagger. It meant so much that Rhen did that for him after everything that happened between them in A Heart. I think because it really damn near killed him to torture Grey and Tycho like he did but he felt so lost and trapped! It was clear that in the end Iisak stopped Lilith, not only for Grey but to protect Tycho in the way he wasn’t able to protect his own son. And yes, as expected I did sob when he died; it’s me after all would you really expect anything else?

I’ve also realised during my reread that both times I’ve reached about 70 or 80% of the way through the book before something inside pulls me away. I realised, even on my second read, even knowing the ending, part of me is pushing away because I know that by finishing this book, I’m finishing the series and my time in this world with Harper, Rhen and Grey. I’m saying goodbye to a world that has wormed its way into my heart and stayed there. There is a part of me that knows that finishing this book means leaving this world. I guess that’s the mark of truly great writing, when reading it become so real, you never want to leave.

This was really the perfect way to finish the series and while I wish I could run away and live in Emberfall forever I’m glad the series finished this way, Rhen seemed so lost at the end but it was great to see him and Grey finding their footing finally as brothers. To see them work together for the good of Emberfall and Syhl Shallow together. To fight for the good of all. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to be curled up in the foetal position in the corner sobbing over entire series. Until next time,

See you in the future ❤

P.S. My free pre-order Emberfall patch from BloomsburyYA arrived! now I just need to figure out where to put it…

 

A Heart So Fierce and Broken by Brigid Kemmerer

Goodreads rating 5 stars *****

I haven’t figured out a rating system for my blog yet so we’ll just go with 5 stars and then some right now!

Obviously, there are spoilers ahead! I start by talking about the ending so just tread carefully!

This was my second attempt at reading this book since the first was interrupted by anxiety issues! **

To be really honest, I’m still processing this book emotionally and this is a second third attempt at writing a review for this so bear with me!

In that respect I just have to flail about the ending for a moment!

***SPOILERS***

I can’t quite believe that despite the fact a lot of Rhen’s reaction to Grey comes from fear of magic that he’d actually agree to another deal with Lilith! I can’t believe that Harper will agree to this when she finds out in book 3 (and she will find out). My thoughts when reading that part was basically along the lines of internal screaming and shouting “Rhen……NO!!!!”

I adored Curse from the start, and I love it more each time I read it (full disclosure, I have now read Curse 3 times this year) but Heart is just taking me more time. Maybe it’s because it’s focused on Grey and Lia Mara instead of Harper and Rhen; maybe it’s because Rhen is so utterly horrible in this book. I just want so much more Harper and Rhen to be honest, at least I know that Vow will be from their perspectives at least in part.  

There’s just something in me that can’t fall in love with a book that puts Grey and Rhen against each other, which doesn’t really bode well for Vow, and I still have like 3 months to go before I can read it!

Before I go on with my flailings about the rest of the book I need to take a moment to talk about Harper again.

As with book one I adore Harper, she isn’t in this book much but every time she is, or when Grey thinks of her properly she manages to just be everything I needed to hear when I was younger and that honestly, I still need to hear.

I remember the day she first asked me to show her this, how the very act of learning weaponry seemed to be an act of defiance. At first, I thought it was against Rhen, but it didn’t take me long to realize she’d grown up thinking she could never learn to defend herself. The defiance was towards herself. Or who she’d thought she was.

I know that Brigid Kemmerer doesn’t have CP herself which makes it all the more incredible that she manages to get right down to the core of what it feels like to grow up with CP well, what it felt like for me growing up with CP. It shows how incredible a writer she is, and how deeply she has researched everything. It makes me love and respect her as a writer even more.

Ok, on with the rest of the book!

I really liked Lia Mara and how she holds herself. She is so often wracked with self-doubt and often seems to have zero self-confidence but she is determined and honest and believes in what is right so strongly that no matter what, she can’t be dissuaded – despite the way Karin Luran treats her.

I do love Rhen but can see why Lia Mara thinks he’s an asshole because this is the persona he presents during this book. I can imagine how much it must have cost him to whip Grey AND Tycho. Even Grey can see and understand why Rhen is acting this way, maybe that’s what makes the idea of them going to war against each other even harder. Grey is clear he doesn’t want to go to war; even after Karis Luran is killed. But I have to believe Rhen doesn’t want to either.

I like Jake a bit more in this book but I’m still not 100% on him really. It annoys me that he dislikes Rhen so much, and that for a lot of the book he dislikes Grey too, only going with him to make sure he kept his promise to take him and Noah home.

Yes, he eventually decides to stay so he can stay with Harper but he’s still just – I don’t know, I can’t properly articulate it; he just doesn’t seem to trust Harper’s decisions or Grey’s or anyone except his own. Even though his past decisions weren’t exactly always stellar. And we know from book 1 that he just doesn’t trust Harper. Maybe that’s why he wants to stay, to just keep an eye on her, to just judge her decisions.

I knew from vague little spoilers that book 3 was going to be a battle between Emberfall and Syhl Shallow but I wasn’t prepared for the book to be Grey versus Rhen

It’s heart-breaking that Grey and Rhen are now enemies essentially, that going to war is the only way through this, how am I supposed to choose a side in this?? Especially as it seems Jake and Noah will be on one side and Harper on the other. If you were to just read book 2 you wouldn’t be able to understand why Harper stays with Rhen instead of running with Grey and her brother. If you were to just read book 2, maybe you’d have an easier time picking a side since Rhen is so cruel in this book.

I like that pretty much everything Grey does is out of loyalty – he’s still Scary Grey and still loyal to Rhen; at the start of the book he ran when he found out the truth, he gives Rhen a chance at the end too because he doesn’t want to invade; it’s shown every time he flinches when Rhen says commander – because he still thinks of himself like that, because he still wants to protect him – or when Rhen admitted that they should have been friends seasons ago. I love that he cares so deeply for Harper too, that he wonders what it would have been like to allow himself to fall for her like Rhen did even though they are so much better as loyal friends. I hate that he’s going to be pitted against Harper too!

I really like Isiak though, and I’m excited to see him in book 3, he is as mysterious as Lilith without all the evil. He challenges Grey the way he needs to be challenged, the way Rhen needed to instead of running scared. I hope he gets some kind of happy ending, whatever that will end up being.

I feel like I need more from Tycho before I can decide. I need to find out more of his past really, before I can tell what his vow to Grey really means for him.

This is more of a musing ramble than a proper review. All I can really think is how heart-breaking book 3 is going to be. After everything I do love this book, I love Emberfall and the world that Brigid Kemmerer has created. I guess I want a happy ending and right now I can’t envision how Vow is going to give us one. I foresee death and tragedy, and to be honest I’ve fallen in love so much with these books that it’s upsetting to think about it. I guess because these books mean more to me than just engaging fiction now, I don’t want to be left heartbroken.

See you in the future! ♥

**This happens on occasion and has really nothing to do with the book itself or what is happening with the global pandemic, it just seems to be something that happens that I just need to ride out.

A Curse So Dark And Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer***

5 Stars ***** (and then some more)

Honestly I think I might create a new rating system to use on my blog because a lot of the time 5 stars just plainly aren’t enough.

Obviously Spoilers Ahead!!

I’ve loved Brigid Kemmerer’s contemporary novels so when I found out that one of the main protagonists of this novel has cerebral palsy I knew I had to get this book.

As much as I’ve wanted books with proper representations of disability in them, I guess I was a little scared. I was nervous about reading about the things I live with all the time. I guess I was scared that the representations would be terrible or even worse, that they would be spot on – that they would be too good somehow. I think I was worried that would hurt more, that it would force me to face things that perhaps I had been hiding from.

Yes, that fear is still there –in a way – but I have also loved the representations I have read so far. **

From almost the first page I fell in love with Harper – even tweeting about a particular passage that perfectly sums up how I’ve felt for about my disability for so much of my life:

I grip the banister and rush down the steps. My left leg is clumsy and about to give way, but I mentally threaten to cut it off if it doesn’t get me out of here. It listens.

Of course, for me it’s been my right side that’s been affected and unlike Harper, I’ve never had to have surgery, thankfully. I did however try ballet when I was younger too and gave up after a while as well. But for me, this perfectly summed up how I used to (and honestly still do) treat my CP side. I knew then that I would adore this book purely on the representation of Harper and her cerebral palsy.

I loved Harper so much. She is as determined as I’ve always been described by my medical specialists. (They say determined, I say stubborn) So determined to prove to everyone she is just as capable as anyone; not that she’s “normal” really but that she can be anyone she wants to be and do anything she puts her mind to. Harper is who I wanted to be growing up; she represents so much of what I needed to hear and read when I was younger. I so wish I had this book when I was 14 or 15, or even younger. To have a representation of someone like me when I was that age would’ve been truly amazing.

Harper’s relationship with Jake is interesting because as much as they love each other, they hide so much from one another. I get the impression that Jake thinks he’s protecting her by hiding her from everything but in a way it’s like he doesn’t believe in her or trust that she is capable – something that Grey and Rhen do instinctively, even before learning the whole truth of her disability or injury as they originally believe.

When I found out it was a retelling of Beauty and the Beast I kind of knew what to expect at the end. Although I did really like that Rhen only became the monster at the end of each season instead of the more common idea that the curse has made him a beast all the time. And while there was a happy ending, in that Harper and Rhen ended up together I really liked that it took more than Harper just admitting that she loved Rhen to break the curse.

Also I have actually read up on this but Beauty and the Beast is NOT an example of Stockholm Syndrome – even the guy (psychiatrist Frank Ochberg) who defined the term Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t think it is. Yes, Rhen doesn’t admit to the fact that Grey can travel back to DC and does kidnap Harper, but he does allow her to move about the castle freely, and leave to explore Emberfall when she chooses. He agrees to help her and understands why she leaves the castle and why and how he needs to start helping his people.

I also really loved Rhen, how much he struggled to even get Harper to just listen to him let alone care about him. How much he struggled to fight against the idea of the spoiled prince and how much he really cared about other people. Yes, it took Harper to really push him into action in Emberfall but he felt every death, and every pain of his people. This was shown so obviously in his nightly torture by Lilith.

Honestly, I was a little surprised that the twist at the end of this story wasn’t that Harper would fall in love with Grey instead but I absolutely loved that the twist was that Grey and Rhen are related and that Grey is part magesmith. It makes my excitement to read book two all the more powerful.

Honestly, I’m just excited for the next book in general – not just because I’m so excited for another book about Harper and how she deals with her CP. I love her and Rhen; I can’t wait to see how their relationship develops and how Grey and Rhen’s new relationship dynamic works.

Really I loved this book and not just because of Harper. I loved the way Kemmerer handles the Beauty and the Beast myth/fairy tale. I loved Harper and Rhen’s budding relationship. I love Grey and his loyalty.

OK so really, I think a lot of that review is a bit garbled and rambling. Point is I adored Harper, I loved Rhen and Grey and am so, so happy to a have found such an awesome representation of a character with Cerebral Palsy. And I’m so excited to read book two – which, happily, arrived this morning!

See you in the future! ♥

**I’ve wanted to write fantasy for so long but I really don’t actually write a lot of fantasy or read that much fantasy especially what might be considered high fantasy but I honestly loved this so much. Although it has reminded me that I should always, always check if a book is the first in a duology or trilogy and when the various novels are released so I’m not stuck waiting an entire year for the conclusion! Argh!

*** Yay I’m reading again! \o/

Lockdown Thoughts. Old but New Hobbies. Hoping for Happiness.

A blog where I let my mind wander.

I wish this blog had a happy ending; that it had a positive message to make you feel better but I don’t think it does.

There are spoilers to the end of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. They are at the very end of the post, I tried to be as vague as possible but warnings none the less!!

I’ve been sewing for the past few weeks. This is the first time in a long time I’ve done this. I don’t think many people have realised how big this has been for me. In all honesty it’s taken a while for me to come to terms with how big an event this has been for me too.

After a conversation with my therapist where I cried over noticing the details of the costumes in The Last Jedi** she made the point that with mum’s help I could try using sewing as a hobby. This was a new idea for me; it’s been an extremely new experience for me.

It’s been a common note in my biography over the years to explain that I learned to sew when I was 8, by the time I was sewing in Home Economics at high school a few years later I was so advanced that my teacher kind of trusted me to do my own thing. By the time I was in 2nd and 3rd year of high school I was trusted with making some of the costumes for the school shows using my own designs and ideas. By the time I was 16 and heading towards my standard grade exams and starting to consider university, my main thoughts were of art school and fashion design. An exhibition on “The Art of Star Wars” in early 2002 in Edinburgh changed the direction to costume design and I knew I had to have films or television in my future.

The idea of sewing as a hobby had been lost so long ago that it’s such a foreign concept for me now. I mean, what do I sew now? What do I do with the things once I sew them? Can sewing ever be just something for me now?

Unless you’ve been living completely off grid or in a cave recently you will know we’re currently living through a worldwide pandemic so bad it’s being compared to the Spanish Flu in 1918. Me, mum and dad are currently self-isolating based on the advice from my specialist nursing team. We’ve been socially distancing for over 2 months now. Due to our various autoimmune illnesses and other health issues we decided to essentially lockdown our house about a week or 2 before the official government announcement. I could make a joke about pandemic hipsters here that we locked-down before it was cool.

This has meant that apart from a couple of doctor appointments and walks with the dog in March/early April I haven’t really left the house at all – I haven’t gone beyond the front gate in roughly a month and a half. If this had happened 2, even 3 years ago, I would’ve maybe seen this as an adventure: suddenly locked inside with all my sewing supplies; piles of books and a novel to edit. But it’s happened now: at a time that I’m still adjusting to being chronically ill, I’m just starting to understand how to come to terms with losing my sewing and my novel is stuck in the corner of my mind that’s busy telling me everything I have written; am currently writing, and will ever write is terrible. I still have my piles of books but due to a side-effect of the aforementioned chronic illness I’m finding it hard to read anything right now.

Needless to say, I’m struggling right now. I’d love to say repeat all the amazing advice I see online that this lockdown is not about proving how “productive” you can be. That you don’t need to have learned 6 languages or how to play a new instrument or even taught yourself how to make bread during this lockdown. That this situation is completely unprecedented; that no -one really knows what’s happening and that just getting out of bed can be an achievement.

I’d love to remind myself of all of this; I’d love to say these ideas are helping but they are not helping as much as I would like.

I feel guilty that I haven’t finished editing my novel yet; that I can’t bring myself to share my writing, even with my friends.

I’m a reader who has lost the ability to read

I’m struggling that, before this pandemic I had reached the halfway point of my Goodreads challenge and had somehow managed to read 40 books by March; but now I’m barely making it through 1 book in 2 weeks and despite doing my usual practice of continually buying books I have no idea what genre to try, let alone which of my new books to pick up next. For the first time in a very long time I can’t seem to want to read right now; regardless of whether it’s politically relevant non-fiction or escapist fantasy.

I feel bad that, despite having all the materials for refreshing all my knowledge of Russian I haven’t glanced at it since pulling them from a box under my bed.

I keep giving myself hard time that despite having fridge magnets as alphabet reminders; and finding brilliant comprehensive YouTube videos I still haven’t become fluent in BSL.

I started this blog talking about sewing. Through my therapist’s suggestion mum and I have sourced all the materials and half-finished projects needed to make an 1840s gown to fit me. The Victorian era, and this style of gown specifically was a gown I had never managed to make before I had to give up. This was going to be my very first sewing as a hobby project.

Before that though, we decided to make some face masks. There are quite a few countries now that have made wearing a mask while outside mandatory so it was easy to find patterns; and as I have mentioned I have a huge stash of fabric stock and materials waiting to be used. We realised that along with our various illnesses/health issues it would make sense to have some masks. We also realised that surely our Government would catch up eventually and make masks mandatory too.

After making a few tests and prototypes we mentioned to friends and family that we were making masks. So a couple of weeks ago we finished and posted off roughly 30 masks for close friends and family. Last week, we finished a couple for us; on Tuesday I had a MS nurse appointment; my first venture outside for over a month so we decided that I needed a mask too. A mask I now have.

Making these masks hasn’t felt so much like a hobby. It’s the first time in over a year since I sewed anything, (the last being a wedding dress for my wonderful friend Jenna.) It’s now been a year since I went into hospital and things changed in my life more drastically than I really understood at the time. Making these masks has been closer to my old job of sewing something for someone else and posting it off, hoping they’ll love it. But maybe making these masks will work as a stepping stone for me from professional to hobbyist.

Maybe I’ll make these masks and I’ll still be struggling. Maybe even after making that dream gown with my mum I’ll still be struggling. Maybe the darkness that’s overtaking me right now is something I can’t fix. Maybe I just need to struggle for a while.

Maybe all I can do is keep buying books and crying at Star Wars films.

All I can say for now guys is that I hope you stay well, I hope you stay safe and as always I will –

See you in the future ♥

 

 

** It was the last 10 mins as Rey continues her search for Luke. All I could focus on at the time was all the intricate embroidery than adorned Rey’s outfit. I cried because it reminded me why I wanted to be a costume designer in the first place; why those tiny details mattered to me – mattered to the character. I cried because I could still only see those details in a film full of space crafts, battles and lightsaber fights; all I remembered was the details on Rey’s sleeve.

With everything that’s going on right now it reminded me of a short story I wrote first of all years ago, then edited it while on my MA. Hope you guys like it! ❤

The Hero

The Government promised they’d be prepared. The voices booming out over loudspeakers scattered through The City. They told us not to worry, that the procedures were in place and that they were ready.

It would be safe, for us to blame them; for us to take all the consequences, the tragedy and the destruction and lay it at the feet of those faceless officials, protected in their pristine offices. It would be nice for us to sit here and point the finger of guilt at them. It would be nice.

For a while we blamed the idiots. Those mindless fools that believed all the slimy condescending rubbish and propaganda spin that the Government dished out in spades. They believed them and so did nothing. They sat in their homes and ate their pre-packaged convenience foods and watched their empty televisions safe in the belief that they would be taken care of; that they would be safe.

It would be nice to blame the idiots, ignorant in their faith. It would be nice to turn around and shout and scream out all our hatred towards them, to spill all the poison that was created and throw it over them all.

We tried to blame the activists; the strong and argumentative. The ones that didn’t believe and the ones that fought back; they understood the ways of the Government media monkeys. They knew the people were being lied to and tried to fight against it.

It would be fairer for them to take the blame, fairer for us to force all their violence and riots back in their faces; to yell all those fucking slogans back at them until their ears bled and their faces contorted in pain. It would be nice to say that they could have done more; that they could have helped more people.

When They finally came, people were surprised and didn’t expect the chaos it caused. No-one understood why They had arrived, and no one knew what was about to happen next.

But not me, I saw it coming but did nothing. I sat and I waited. I watched all the destruction that was caused; watched as the body count mounted, as the screams echoed around the blackened remains of The City.

I waited and watched and did nothing to help.

We had built The City up from nothing and They reduced it to dust. They came into to our cosy little world and turned everything around.

It would be nice, after everything to force the blame onto Them; to turn back and shout our accusations of hatred at those blank staring eyes.

It would be easier to say that everything was perfect before They came; that The City had no problems until faced with this apocalyptic threat. To shake our heads in despair and say that They were the cause of our destruction; of our pain and hatred and death.

It would be nice to turn the blame onto those emotionless little droids with their hidden agenda and their taste for blood. It would be nice to pass the buck and scrub our hands until they were clean.

It would be nice to say I helped; to say that I was a force for good. It would be simple to play the hero. To rewrite history to become a shining beacon of hope. But I saw what was coming and did nothing. I sat and watched and waited ’til this City no longer existed.

It would be safe to blame the Government, sitting on their piles of gold. It would be simple to blame the idiots, in their identical little boxes. It would be easy to blame the activists, with their human rights and anger towards establishment.

It would be nice to blame the Androids, with their long dormant plans.

 

I hope you like it!

See you in the future! ♥

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Refraction by Naomi Hughes

And this time I knew the genre before I started reading!

5 stars (or 9 or 10 or 100)

Spoilers!

As you probably know I absolutely adored Afterimage so it didn’t take me long to order Refraction. On a side note, both books are gorgeous! The cover art, designed by Rosie Stewart is stunning and fits each story perfectly. They also look brilliant on a shelf together which warms my little book dragon heart.

Onto the actual book!

Once again Naomi manages to perfectly balance the emotional rollercoaster that is having siblings and family with a clearly beloved sci-fi story. Also we have another really careful and considerate representation of mental illness in Marty’s OCD. I love that in both books we have two extremely capable protagonists who are dealing with all the crap that the plot can throw at them at the same time as coping with their mental health and illnesses.

I think Naomi does such a wonderful job showing how characters can actually be the protagonists; the hero of the story without the story being simply one about their illness or god forbid providing them with a f*cking magical cure****

While I don’t *think* this is an #ownvoices representation of OCD *** ; it is really carefully handled with such respect. I love Marty so much, especially his frustration at thinking he was “cured” only to find himself struggling with the thoughts he thought he’d overcome. I felt his pain as my own and really isn’t that what great writing is supposed to do?

This is where I surprise nobody by crying

I expected it; I really did. I mean when was the last time I didn’t actually cry at what I was reading? When Marty’s relationship with the missing Ty was introduced, I just knew it would happen eventually. When Marty and Elliot build their relationship in the fog, I expected to cry at this new found family. But when I got to the halfway point and hadn’t teared up yet turns out I had been lulled into a false sense of security.

We get to the last 50/60 pages and I am in floods. I was reading in bed so it was struggle to find a position in which I could still read (and breathe since my nose was blocked with tears) but my tears weren’t soaking the pages. Marty’s journey from being so focused on seeing Ty to understanding how positive being selfless can be was wonderful. His acceptance of his own death and willingness to make sure Mirage isn’t alone during his death was one of the things I was sobbing at.

Elliot’s journey from being so isolated, so down on himself and so desperate for his mum’s love to actually understanding that that familial love can come from some many other places and that he is such a good person and actually deserves so much more is brilliant too. His realisation that his mum’s love isn’t the only kind of love out there is perfect; and his realisation that he can be the hero in spite of what she thinks is a really nice bit of characterisation by Naomi.

Like with Afterimage Naomi manages to explore sibling relationships so well in this book and what it means to actually love someone.

I don’t think anyone can replace Kyle from Afterimage in my heart but I really did love the relationship between Marty and Elliot. Both had lost their brothers by the time the book starts but throughout the book they find siblings in each other. They hate each other or at least dislike each other so much at the start of the book but they both learn to support each other with their various issues. Elliot supports Marty with his OCD without judgement, he just protects him. Marty helps Elliot both by getting Mirage to heal him and protect him in the end but without laughing and judgement in his fears such as the scorpions.

This is just a really longwinded way of saying how much I adore Naomi’s writing. Her characters are so full of life and wonderfully real. Her worldbuilding is so immersive; her love of sci-fi is apparent on every page. Someone mentioned to me recently about trying to build a list of books that she could recommend to teenagers that dealt with invisible disabilities and mental health issues; the first books that came to mind were Naomi’s.

Anyway, enough gushing onto the next book!

See you in the future! ♥

***turns out this is #ownvoices! I have so much respect for Naomi that she is able to talk about her own experiences with OCD so well that she can put it into her writing! I haven’t gotten to that level yet so Bravo!!

****In case it wasn’t clear, I HATE this trope. I’ve said it before and it’s so important. It’s OK to hate your disability/illness. It’s OK to be struggling. You aren’t there to be an inspiration for anyone. You aren’t there make anyone feel better. It’s possible to be the hero of your own story and just happen to have a disability. Your story doesn’t have to be just about your illness.

In which I talk about the fun of attempting to write a full scale epistolary novel – and why I love them so much.

Regular readers of my Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook will all be aware of my continued attempt at writing my first full length YA novel. My working title is ‘The Final Confessions of a Little Rebel’ and is written entirely in an epistolary format.

Regular reader will also be aware of the fact that on a personal level I have been dealing with a crap tonne of medical and health things over the past 3 years so it’s been quite a journey and I am just as surprised as anyone else that I’ve made it to this point of editing.

But using this device has meant certain constraints: it’s been a confusing 3 years of messed up tenses, my MC * Rosa, switches between the present, the recent past, the distant and very distant pasts and even slips in a few wishes and hopes for the future. I decided early on not to use formal dialogue (for the uninitiated amongst us that means using “quotation marks” and he said or she said dialogue markers) which has brought with it its own set of problems. One reason for not including the formal dialogue is that when a character is relaying the information in a letter or similar how is it possible that they can remember exactly what was said and how by each person earlier in the story? This is especially true if the MC is discussing events that happened years before.

Also, as the novel is set 40 years in the future I have to find a way to show world building and explain certain situations without just using “as you know, bob”** dialogue or explanations.

Something we learned on my Masters course was the difficulty of writing first person. If we chose to use this POV*** we needed to answer certain ‘conditions of narration’: who is telling the story, why are they telling us specifically and how are they telling us? Thankfully epistolary devices answer all of these easily.

Whether it’s a signed letter or a text message it’s easy to include the narrators’ name. That answers who is telling the story. As to telling us, again it’s pretty simple to see who the letter etc. is addressed to. It’s possible that the reader is not the original intended recipient but that can be discussed in the 3^rd condition: how are they telling us? When someone throws a message in a bottle – that’s easy to know how we are reading it. A letter can be found, delivered to the wrong address or simply lost. This answers how we are getting the information, and can often help answer why they are telling us, specifically.

My Love for This Device Knows No Bounds

Keen observers (actualy casual readers too) will know how much I adore this device in literature – I have read countless books using the device, even before I decided to write my novel. Sometimes these novels ignore some of the rules mentioned above and it bugs me but I just love it so much.

I also studied writing for graphic fiction and we often talked about the gutter or the gap between panels in graphic novels in comics. There is so much that goes on in this gap. We’re expected as readers, to understand and to work out what is going on – what’s been left unsaid. Epistolary devices are the exact same. So often it’s what is not said that’s important, rather than the simple facts described by the characters.

So We Have Our Constraints, Let’s Get Writing!

I’ve also always loved first person narrations – even before the MA it was my go-to POV when writing; so my course tutor and I spent some time trying to work out how I could use it for my novel and answer those pesky conditions of narration, until we hit on it: essentially I would tell the story backwards and use a ‘confession’ or letter in order to do it.

So I had my device and I had all my constraints: time to get started.

I have to admit it took me at least a month of trying to write this before my tutor (the amazing Sam Boyce) pointed out something that should be obvious: what was happening to Rosa while she was telling this story? So that’s how the present day tense and plot-line came into being. Of course things would be happening while she tried to write her “confession” of course time is passing, and of course she will mention current events in this letter.

How did I juggle these different timelines I hear you ask? Well, as it turns out I found it a bit confusing by the end. This is where editing will come in to play!

I now have supplies to replot! Using a trick I was taught on the MA. I will be using different coloured post-it notes for different timelines/plot points so I can quickly and easily see where everything is and how it’s working!

Also since Rosa is really the only character with a voice**** it was really important to get the rhythm and the tone of her voice perfect. We also see every other character through her eyes – through her bias. I still spent some time working out the different registers**** for each character then worked out how that would get changed through Rosa’s narration.

Another important preparatory task was building up each character’s motivation and characterisation that can then get fed through the filter of Rosa’s words. Otherwise they will all be one-dimensional cardboard cut-outs just there to push Rosa’s story along. I needed to see each character as if they were the MC of their own story and then incorporate it into Rosa’s story.

I also decided to add another level of difficulty because I do in fact hate myself: Rosa is a second generation Russian immigrant and during her confession she often switches into telling the story or commenting on the events in Russian. This means I actually had to write it in Russian.

I tell you, in writing this novel fun was had by all.

And so, I have now reached the point in my blog post where I can’t quite remember why I wanted to start it in the first place. This happens frequently.

As much as I love reading epistolary novel I am now faced with editing one. I finished my first re-read about a week ago and now I am about to start my first round of edits. Right now it’s the macro stuff: the continuity, the correct characterisation; themes; plot lines (so many tenses) and most importantly that I’m actually telling the story I meant to tell.

After that I get to read the whole thing again, trying to see if I managed to do what I meant to do with my first edit. And round and round it goes until I get down to the micro-level stuff – like spelling and grammar; names etc. and until I finally feel ready to give it to beta readers – so that someone other than me can read my words. Then another couple rounds of edits in response to what my beta readers have said. Then it’s onto the scary idea of writing a synopsis and querying agents.

The Rambling Continues…

I hope that this post has at least been interesting if not always wholly coherent (much like my novel, I guess!) I’ve tried to both explain why I love epistolary novels so much and how difficult it is to actually write one. I’ve also tried to explain some of the terms I’ve so often ranted about in book reviews and other posts.

But I guess until next time…

See you in the future! ♥

*Main character – often in writing or publishing circles people shorten it to MC for ease.

**a very common writing expression to describe dialogue describing something about the world that both characters would already know or understand; for example two brothers discussing their mother may say: “As you know, Bob when our mother died last month, she didn’t leave a will.” Why would the character explain this to the other character? Unless your character is describing something that ‘Bob’ reasonably wouldn’t know.

***Point Of View – often in writing or publishing circles it’s shortened to POV for simplicity.

****basically how the character tells the story; it’s how they see the world, the lens through which we are told things by them.

*****A term I haven’t really seen outside of the MA. It’s similar to a character’s voice as it shows the world through the lens of the character’s knowledge and experience but it’s almost another level up. With register we talk about rhythm and tone: how the character tells the story is just as important as why. The character’s life experience, education etc. will impact how they tell the story, the language they use. A register shift can be a shift in the language used because the character is describing an event that makes them particularly angry or sad, a shift away from their normal language. If we have an unreliable narrator who is lying to the reader, register can also be used to tell the reader this without changing the narrator or out and out telling the reader they are lying.

Words in Deep Blue by Cath Crowley

5 stars

Spoilers ahead!

Guys! This is a whole book that not only uses the epistolary format; they have a whole aspect of the plot focused on letters and how important they are to people; how they can shape people lives and memories. How could I not love a novel like this?

Also again it’s a book dealing with grief and the relationship between siblings. It’s almost like it was written specifically for me. This is I think maybe the fourth book I’ve read this year where the relationship between siblings is one of the main story threads of the book and I love it.

I’ve probably mentioned one or two times before but I have a brother; he’s two years older than me and he annoys me so much but I love him so much more.

I spent quite a lot of this book thinking about what my reaction would be if I were in Rachel’s shoes. If he died and I was offered some kind of magical space that I could pretend he was still there, would I take it? Or would I try to be as open and public about it as I try to be about other areas of my life? Not for pity but maybe as a way to understand things, a way for me to grasp the enormity of how my life would’ve ended with him, would’ve been changed and reborn.

One of my pet hates is to buy a second-hand book and find it’s been written in and marked up and changed but I also think that’s what could be so beautiful about the Letters Library. That those notes can be cherished as glimpses into someone else’s life; as Rachel would say they can be the transmutation of memories. It’s a library of people.

We all know how much I love epistolary novels and I loved that Crowley managed to tell multiple stories and love affairs in a single book, using this technique. It’s one of the reasons I love this device so much: it’s telling the stories between the lines. What happens in the gaps is the important bit.

So it’s not just a love story of two best friends. It’s not just the despair of two ex-lovers, or a new doomed almost romance between two people whose identities are secret; or the budding friendships and stumbles of love. It’s all of that in just 288 pages and it’s beautiful.

Ok enough gushing about the device and onto the plot!

Henry was wonderful. Yes he was a complete idiot when it came to Amy and was entirely clueless about Rachel. It might just be me but I was really annoyed by Henry’s assumption that Rachel has just forgotten him or doesn’t miss him after moving away because she stops writing back to his emails. But I loved how he thought in books; how poems could become such monumental things; like how he starting quoting poetry and singing lyrics when he was drunk. I loved his love for George – that he would try again and again, regardless how badly things went to see her happy. I love that he saw his life in terms of the bookshop, his relationship to his parents was tied to books – the books like Great Expectations that forms his views on his parents relationship (notes from his mum and dad were left to each other in the Letters Library; his relationship to his whole family is told in books – how they discuss them at Friday night dinners.

George was brilliant too – I was so heartbroken when I realised she had been writing to Cal. That they had fallen in love and she was finally able to let herself be vulnerable only to be met with the pain and grief of losing them. It was heart-breaking waiting for Cal’s final letter; waiting for when Rachel and George would learn the truth of each other and waiting to see how Rachel would finally break the news to George.

I was secretly hoping for a happy ending that somehow the bookshop would be magically saved at the end – maybe Fredrick would buy it out or something but there did seem to be a nice resolution to everything. I have to say though that Michael just deciding he’d bugger off and go travelling for a while not even considering his kids – what if they didn’t want to live with Sophia? – was a bit of a dick move.

This sounds like me just listing all the characters I loved but I thought Rachel was so well done. As I said at the beginning of the post I can’t imagine losing my brother. I think it was handled really well – Rachel was trying to find her way through her grief; find her way through being back home with people who used to know her. Obviously an easy way through for her would be to be angry, to push everyone away, and to lie to everyone.

All in all I really, really liked this book. I absolutely adore epistolary novels and I loved a book full of books. I went in to this book not really knowing much of what to expect other than the device; it had siblings; it had explorations of grief and it had letters – pretty awesome.

See you in the future! ♥