I know I haven’t updated in a while, there have however been reasons 🙂 what follows is a very short round up what’s been going on in my head lately and I promise I will update with more fun stuff soon! ♥  

My Social Anxiety

Growing up I was an extremely outgoing child. The terms most used were stubborn, headstrong and precocious. I could also border on pushiness and overbearing. We moved house, from the centre of Edinburgh to a very small village when I was 6. It was there that the bullying began. It didn’t feel like bullying, it was more insidious. I became the butt of jokes; games were designed around my inability to run very fast (the result of a mild physical disability) Games based around the premise of “Run Away From Rhona”.

As we grew up the bullying became more obvious. Hitting puberty hard made me an easy target. I refused to fit in when it came to fashion or pop music. I was branded a freak; a title that followed me until I left school age 17.

College repaired some of the damage but soon the lasting effects of the bullying began to show. I hated crowds. I was convinced everything I did was wrong and I was being judged by everyone present.

I spent the summer between 1st and 2nd year hiding. I began counselling after spending the first month of university suffering panic attacks. It helped but what helped the most were the anti-depressants. I began functioning again.

6 years on and I felt steady enough to consider coming off the drugs. I had manoeuvred my way through university; a 3 month stay in Canada and even started my own business. About a month ago I applied for a part time job and was successful. Starting this new challenge triggered the first full blown panic attack I had had since university. I wondered if I was ready for life without drugs.

I realised I was ready to stop my drugs but still needed to give myself time to adjust to being just me again, to relearn how to cope. While I can learn to cope and be happy in social situations again the shadows of my social anxiety are going to be with me for the rest of my life and it’s time to embrace that.
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